Where do I begin? One, I’m sharing this not because I want to – posting your personal mess on the internet is a lil’ scary. However, somehow I got a following here and I want this blog to be an honest place where girls can say “me too,” where you can know you’re not alone in having struggles. Two, please read to the end because I am excited to share my truth with you and how cheesy enough, I’ve become my own valentine! Here, we go.
Last year, in many ways, I was on the hot mess express. I stepped into a new job that was and is wonderful for me. Yet, working and brushing shoulders with 5 girlfriends all day everyday brought up a TON of insecurities. Pretty sure those insecurities have been there since middle school, just cozy and dormant. To note, these co-workers are dear friends who have been in my life for the past 6 years, and have never communicated anything but love. YET, starting work with them, all the sudden I felt like I didn’t know if they liked me … I didn’t feel funny enough … or outgoing enough … or strong enough. I felt paranoid all the time and really couldn’t put a finger on why. This was months. Not fun.
It’s weird because God almost gave me a warning this storm was coming. The previous two Mays, around the same time each year I had distinct memories of similar conversations. I was talking in groups of girls about things that I honestly wasn’t interested in, but I was working HARD to fit in, cracking jokes and trying to appear a part of things. Both times, the most random whisper came from within, “Why are you doing that?”
I forget God knows and sees me far better than I know myself. I had no awareness to the performance I had learned to turn on and I sure as heck didn’t want to go there. So, I ignored the clear voice of God both times. Yep.
Then, there I was this past year with the huge insecurities woken back up. They were alive and well and wailing for me to pay attention to them. Luckily, I had learned to not be scared of tension, that tension is the EXACT place God wants to meet me.
So, after months of seeking and waiting in the mess, here’s my truth that He showed me. Here’s the new foundation He built for me after tearing down what was there.
I have immense value. Before anyone likes me or values me or before I do anything well, I AM FULL OF VALUE.
My spread of traits – outgoing and shy, fun and boring, kind and short, strong and weak, silly and serious, unique and normal – is the perfect spread to be me, to be a wonderful me! Our world teaches us we have to be just as (fill in the blank) as the girl next to us, but why can’t we embrace having a beautiful spread that’s all our own?
It sounds silly, but I literally feel like I have a new best friend in my life and it’s me.
I used to need people to show me that I was likable, BUT NOW I LOVE MYSELF. And when you really love something or someone, it is a game changer. All the sudden, you have patience for that person. You see the best in them. You forgive them. Grace becomes natural. You remind them of their strength and you push them towards things they love. You are a voice in the corner, always. And the best love doesn’t have a measuring stick or a set of expectations. Loving yourself like that, is the gift that my God has shown me. I will never be the same.
Yep. Thanks for listening, friends. I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day and know you are so full of value today and worthy of all the love in the world, even your own.